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New CD's Arrived! Wednesday Oct 5th, 2011 - 3:37 PM     

"Like" me over on facebook ( and the first 100 'likes' get a free copy of my latest album!

Sounds good, yea?



little adventures to the desert Tuesday Sep 20th, 2011 - 11:06 AM     

My ass fits on airplane seats. I had enough leg room in all four planes as well as my rental car. My phone apparently works again, despite being dropped into a toilet. I didn't got lost. I didn't get sick from aligator meat or roadside fry bread. No one stole anything from me. And I consistently met people who where more compassionate and courageous than I thought possble.

No matter what your mind says, "worrying" doesn't protect you from things happening. Things will happen or they won't.



New Album! Thursday Sep 15th, 2011 - 4:59 PM     

New album all finished. It's called 'bignic.' (Just keeping it simple this time!)

Downloads are available now! CD's will be available in the coming weeks.



spammers Wednesday Sep 14th, 2011 - 11:52 AM     

"We noticed that you are not at the top of the search engines for a number of your key terms. We have helped companies similar to yours to achieve top organic rankings. Please reply to this message and we will prepare a special proposal for you, to show you how we can achieve similar results for you."

The funny thing about this is that I'm already the top search result for 'bignic'

In fact, I'm the top three search results for 'bignic' and I haven't paid for any of those results. It just happens as a natural consequence of being 'bignic' and having a website that is clearly about/for me.

So I've already achieved what these spammers propose ('organic rankings') and I've done it without paying anyone.

Which begs the question, how could you possibly offer a service that generates 'organic' rankings? By definition, if you're paying someone to optimize your ranking, how is it natural?



another day, another competition Friday Sep 9th, 2011 - 4:19 PM     

Entered a couple tracks into the Warp/Bleep:Filtered unsigned competition... wish me luck!

They are both from The War on Peace but I've done a little bit of polishing on them for the competition.



thanks! Saturday Aug 6th, 2011 - 6:29 PM     

just wanted to say thanks to all you good people buying stuff up on bandcamp - much appreciated!

new album still in the works... stay tuned!



free stuff Sunday May 22nd, 2011 - 7:05 PM     

I've had a few hundred copies of "Something" laying around my house for many years. Its a big heavy box and I'm sick of looking at it.

I decided to throw an MP3 player and an amp into my backpack and try to give these little guys away.

So yesterday I walked around town (got a nice sun burn to prove it) and gave away free CD's to people.

I must have seen several hundred people but I only managed to GIVE AWAY about 50 or 60 discs. I'm a little upset about this for two reasons.

1) People dont like my music before they've even heard it.

2) People are generally distrustful.

I can't do much about point 1, except write better music (which I do, now!)

But point number 2 is worrisome. I think its an unfortunate thing that people are afraid of accepting a gesture of kindness from a stranger. I can understand why, but I don't want to accept it. I know people get burned at some point in their life by putting trust into someone... but we don't need to carry that for the rest of our lives.

I couldn't believe how hard I had to work to sell people on the idea that it was actually totally free and that they didn't have to sign up for anything.

It's a bizzare thing to witness people so paralyzed that they stare blankly into the distance and actually ignore a 6'5, 330lb man who is towering over them with a funny hat rather than just accept that some people CAN and WILL be nice to you for no other reason than the fact that you are there.

I'm not surprised we didn't all just rapture ourselves yesterday, but I'm a little disappointed.

C'mon humans, lets get on the evolution train again! Open your hearts - that's the ticket!



10th Independent Music Awards Wednesday Feb 16th, 2011 - 5:12 PM     

"A Liar and a Theif" is nominated for best EP at the 10th Independent Music Awards -

Wish me luck!

I'm not going to ask for anyone to vote this time around but some kind thoughts sent into the ether would still be appreciated.




just checking in Wednesday Dec 15th, 2010 - 3:55 PM     

had my credit card number stolen (again) so my online life is grinding to a halt... domain names expiring... cant buy any parts for my VW any more... my phone is out of minutes and I can't refill it.

it's like being poor in the 80's.

i didnt much like the 80's the first time around. but they were better than the 90's.

let's see... how about a segue into a comment about the new year and a new decade.

seriously? already?


2011. fuck it. I got nothin.

but I hope you're all doing ok out there!

keep on truckin'



new EP available! Sunday Oct 17th, 2010 - 10:34 PM     

Just finished up a 4-track EP called "Resistance is Futile"

Its available for free at




the legend of bagger vance Sunday Jul 25th, 2010 - 4:13 PM     

I'm watching this movie again, probably for the thirteenth or fourteenth time. It's one of my all-time favourite movies. I just want to spell something out for people who haven't seen it and people who have seen it and didnt like it.


Out of curiosity, I wanted to look up the differences between the book and movie, and I wondered if perhaps the love story was embellished for the movie (which is fairly typical these days...)

I never finished my research because I was sidetracked by the fact that this movie has such a low rating on imdb and .... It shocked me, frankly.

On second thought... I shouldn't be shocked. The ability for people to miss the spiritual subtext of any movie is quite amazing, and not to be underestimated.

I'll just say it again for the record... it's NOT A GOLF MOVIE.



more video... Friday Jul 23rd, 2010 - 5:18 PM     

The audio track is a bit chewed up thanks to youtube's arbitrary compression, but check out the video for "Book of Days" at



new video! Friday Jul 16th, 2010 - 4:12 PM     



new videos! Sunday Jul 4th, 2010 - 4:07 PM     

I've added some new videos to my youtube page (

"Long Time" directed by Daniel Lowe (Daniel Dragon Films)

It's a great little timelapse piece. Daniel is also working on an other timelapse project that I'm hoping to do the soundtrack for, but it's not finalized yet so more on that later.

"Vibe" is a little slideshow of my '74 VW while I rebuilt the engine, lifted the suspension, and installed disc brakes.

Again, thanks to everyone who've been buying up albums on bandcamp. It's the greatest thing since the internet, and I'm happy to be able to get my music out there so easily (all you need is a paypal account for the albums for sale, and for the free albums, you don't need anything more than an internet connection... get downloading!)



thanks for your support Saturday Jun 26th, 2010 - 11:40 AM     

i've been getting a lot of 'reassuring' emails from strangers due to my recent depressing blog posts, and I just wanted to say thanks.

in addition to your pity, i seem to have elicited some sales from my sparse blog readers... so I have sold a few cd's in the past couple of weeks.

With the proceeds, I bought some new VST synthesizers ...which I had already used because I'm a dirty whore pirate, but I now own legitimately.



new site and new EP Saturday Apr 24th, 2010 - 11:37 PM     

My EP is finished and to celebrate, I thought I'd try a more colourful and simple site design.

I've just had a really big yawn. You know yawns are contagious, even if you can't SEE the person who yawns, but I bet it doesn't work over the internet. If you just yawned, let me know.

So, check out the new EP called "A Liar and a Thief" on bandcamp (its free!) and maybe buy a copy of "The War on Peace" while you're over there (its cheap!)

I've finished working on my Volkswagen and I'm enjoying driving it around town again - annoying all the neighbors with its louder-than-ass exhaust.

I'm sorry, neighbors.



dance ep on its way Friday Feb 5th, 2010 - 8:33 PM     

so i've been meaning to get a dance EP together for ... probably a year or so. the last album just grew and grew and i wanted to release it with a wide array of tastes. I wanted to appeal to as many people as possible. So far, it hasn't worked out at all. Sales are dismal, despite the fact that I've actually tried to market this album.

sigh. and fuck.

but onwards and upwards, right?

So as it stands, I have a 6 track EP of just dance stuff. I was thinking of re-releasing a few of the tracks from 'The War on Peace' but then I changed my mind because those tracks have already failed... I don't want them to bring down another disc.

so, 6 new tracks that I've been working on in the past few months. I'm just going to get it out there and hope for the best. the working title is 'A Liar and A Thief.' The motivation for this comes from my history of stealing mp3s, movies, and tv shows from the internet. I can't hope to pay for all of the things i've stolen (although, wouldn't that be a worthwhile gesture?) so I've decided to pay it forward and hope karma goes easy on me the next time around. the plan is to make the disc and distribute it for free. each mp3 (album), tv episode, and movie equate to one copy of my disc.

the costs will be considerable.

i've stolen a lot of stuff.

but it might ease my guilt a little bit, and i'll have to find thousands of people to give this disc to, so I'll also be networking. wait... karma wont let it count if i'm getting soething useful out of the deal. damned. well, I haven't thought it all the way through yet. but that was the idea.

I went and got a mechanical license to do a cover of 'Eye of the Tiger' but my version ended up being significantly different from the original and the mechanical license I obtained from Warner/Chapell said quite plainly that I couldn't deviate from melody, etc thus making a truly derivative work (ie: a remix rather than a cover) impossible. the song kicked ass though.

I've been rejected for about twenty gigs, compilations, and licensing opportunities in the past two months, including the Canadian Music Fest which... I guess I had high hopes about getting into, despite not having a proven live-show record...

In other (more positive) news, I just finished remixing a track for Gryffyn, a Toronto based acoustic duo and got a track placed on the latest 'Run Hundred' compilation disc (work-out music.) So that's good. In fact, I didn't even have to drum up that business, they came across my press kit and were listening to quite a few of my tracks. Apparently they couldn't decide which one they liked best. Always nice to hear.

thanks for reading my blog. morgan.



and we're off Thursday Oct 1st, 2009 - 6:25 PM     

Album number four, "The War on Peace" is finally complete. I'm waiting to get my copy of the first test disc.

Once its done, it'll be available on iTunes, Amazon, and of course If you know me in person, I might be able to sell you a copy, but I'm not ordering too many for myself. If you don't get one quick, you'll have to order them through the site (which I won't be handling any more because it's a bit of a pain)

In related news, "Fatmosphere" is almost completely sold out. There are maybe a dozen copies left, so act now! dont delay! etc, etc...



the good lovelies Friday Apr 17th, 2009 - 7:57 PM     

I saw the Good Lovelies perform last night.

I am in love(ly) with them all.

that is all.



geekery Tuesday Feb 24th, 2009 - 5:54 PM     

i've been working on a little pitch detection application lately (part of a much larger project) and I am finally seeing some worthwhile results after a week of coding and researching.

the maths aren't all that diffucult - i've left all the hard stuff up to the fbmath library (woot, thanks!)

link to screenshot of a 4 note chord that sweeps up in pitch and levels out. each horizontal line indicates a 'note' - the higher the line, the higher the note. pitch range is from approx 16hz to just over 4000hz(100 possible tones)

the length of the line is an arbitrary number (8192 samples) which I will have to fine tune to balance accuracy of the detection (note frequency seperation) against timing resolution (note length).

as of today, the app can also handle stereo files (either a stereo mix or just left channel) but is limited to 44100hz sampling rate. (built for fidelity, not speed, so nothing below 44100 will ever run through this anyway.)

i get excited about code perhaps once a year. just thought i would share this minor victory.




winter blahs Saturday Jan 17th, 2009 - 10:22 PM     

i'm trying to finalize some tracks and release this damn cd. i feel like i havent been productive enough since i havent bothered to release a cd in a few years, but its not the case. i've been writing just as much material, i'm just being so much more anal about what constitutes a 'good' track

sometimes it just feels like WORK, trying to execute some bullshit 'groove' by pushing around clips and waves in a painstaking and tedious method that has only really produced verifiably good results in TWO tracks. yet i continue to try this same method over and over.

fuck Justice. you wrecked me for writing a normal boring track. now every fucking time i try to create something, i'm overwhelmed by the suffocating crappiness of my output. i want everything to sound compressed and balanced and saturated and for it to have an undeniable GOODNESS to it that i just cant seem to capture or infuse into something.

its like magic. i'm so very disappointed with myself lately. endlessly listening to a track, trying to figure out why it doesnt make my own head bob as much as it used to.

am i bored with it? no. perhaps. but no. it just lost something. the track lost something when i tried to make something out of it that, perhaps, it wasn't capable of being.

if a track only has a certain potential to be good, and i'm trying to make it more.. its not going to work. and im just going to wreck what goodness there is.

i mix too loud.. i know that, because i tend to only stop mixing when im nauseated and have a headache and my ears feel blocked. im assaulting my ears. i need to stop this.

i want this track to fucking PUMP and despite the fact that i was head-over-heels for it a few weeks ago, its just frustration to me now.

i cant tell what other people will hear when they listen to this. and at worst, i fear that what they'll hear is that i've worked on it for hours and hours, at the expense of my own social and mental and ear canal health... but they wont feel anything. it wont make them want to move.

i know exactly where and when this desire for 'groove' came into my life and im utterly fucking depressed at my lack of skill in regards to obtaining this 'groove.' i'm obsessed with it now.

i used to just write music because it was something to do. but now, in WANTING IT so badly.. in WANTING to produce something of a particular sound, i've fucked myself out of the small amount of unique sound that i had in the first place.

its useless. i am so fantastically crap.

i cant conjure a single useful fucking thing to say in a blog for months and months. why should i have even a REMOTE expectation to produce a creative work of art in the realm of song when i'm so seriously vacant of any source material in the first place.

fuck all happens to me. and even when stuff tries to happen to me, i avoid it because i don't like "drama"

i know i cant produce anythign in a vaccum. i need to be 'out there.'

i need to go for a walk. i need to stop eating froot loops. i've gained back so much fucking weight. if i am what i eat, my kidneys are chicken hotdogs and my skin is entirely made of kraft dinner and beer. its really no wonder that i feel like shit, when i eat nothing but garbage.

i need sunlight.



post show Saturday Nov 1st, 2008 - 12:48 AM     

ok.. so.. I probably shouldnt write this as I'm still slightly intoxicated ( I walked home, don't worry Mom!) and in such a state i'm likely to be more self deprecating than usual (and thats a LOT!) .. but here goes.

ok. So.... It could have been better.

I'll state first that I dont blame anyone else but me for the lack of awesomeness.

And I'll state second, that I will soon own a PA system with a decent woofer, and I *will* learn to better master my tracks. I spent every waking hour mixing for the past few weeks, in order to master that low end... to no avail.

Epic Fail.

In addition to my own lack of mastering ability, there was the matter of the bass amp acting as a sub (no cutoff.. ftw?) and the PA system that shot highend out of it like harpoons into your ears and eyes at the same time.

The DJ's professionally mastered stuff sounded remotely better than mine.. well.. it sounded ok. it did not "pump" by any measure of the word, and the low frequencies could have been lowered by about a trillion decibels.

I listened to my entire set inside my vw (which is an insanely resonant-y bass structure.. if such a thing exists) and I sounded clean and had lots of pump. what i heard tonight was completely crap. it sounded like washedout noise overtop a low frequency rumble that didnt end.

and this is AFTER i had reivsed my mix of EVERY SINGLE TRACK, MULTIPLE TIMES to keep everything except for the kick and the bassline out of the lower (80hz and below) frequencies... but... as fate would have it.. tonight was simply not my night to make a huge splash.

the organizers thanked me for showing up, but i honestly saw a look of "i'm sorry" in their eyes... which I appreciated.. but.. didn't really help my state of mind.

I cant say I'm anything other than completely dissolutioned right now... what the fuck is the point of writing music if it doesnt affect people?

especially if its LOUD! Loud music should affect people ven more! ... more precisely, it should remove women's panties and place them squarely on my nightstand.

My nightstand is bare. Well.. Theres a cup of water there. And maybe a bottle of vitamin C.

Vitamin C can't love me like a woman can.



pre show Saturday Nov 1st, 2008 - 12:30 AM     

So as part of my prize package (see previous blog) I got to choose some pretty nifty gear. I'll be getting a PA stack so I can do live shows, and an Edirol R-09 for portable/location recording (exciting!) In addition to a new Edirol FA-66 soundcard and HP Laptop that I picked up seperately, I may be able to put together a more solid live show.

In the meantime, I'll be performing my first 'gig' at the "Best Freak'n Halloween Party Ever" at the Bay Moorings in Penetang, on Friday the 31st. Tickets are already sold out, so theres not much point in advertising... and truth be told, I haven't broadcast this gig simply because I don't want to (epic) fail on my first go, and have all my friends and co-workers present. Baby steps! That in mind, I won't be singing or doing much more than knob fiddling and track blending/mixing. I'm optimistic that I'll be able to do that in the future, once I can get my 'act' together (hah) and practice my own keyboard parts so that I can perform them without having to do twelve takes. Vocals... well... I'm still not sure about that. Short of getting a replacement voicebox, or some fantastic auto-tuner, I wont be attempting live singing any time soon.

On a related note: I'm frustrated by the unavailability of WindowsXP (or even XP Drivers) for laptops these days. Its a very unfortunate thing that Microsoft has thrust such a pathetic operating system on consumers, aided by strongarm third party vendors (cough HP, cough) who simply don't provide working and tested drivers for new technology to work with Windows XP (should we WANT to PURPOSELY DOWNGRADE). Its such a pathetic attempt at a money grab that I can scarecely believe that the technology industry is putting up with it (even remotely) We dont use Vista where I work, and as far as I know, there are no plans to ever upgrade. Not only is the interface ridiculously redesigned ("YES, I CLICKED THE PROGRAM, WHY WOULDNT I WANT IT TO RUN?!" and "YES, I WANT A FUCKING TOOLBAR IN MY APPLICATION. I'M SORRY, I CAN READ TEXT MORE QUICKLY THAN INTERPRET YOUR ARBITRARY SWISHY FADY ICONS THAT ARE HAPHAZARDLY LAID OUT IN BUBBLES!") but more importantly, my M-Audio firewire 410 has no drivers for Vista64. FTW?!

Leave it to me to buy a laptop for a show thats three days away, and then not even have drivers for an effing soundcard. Oh well. If my new Edirol box would get here on time, that would be a fantastic miracle. I've also had a chest cold for about two months now... so perhaps if theres a miracle incomming, I should pray for that to be fixed up instead.

Which is more important, lung health, or putting on a bangin' live show?



woop woop Saturday Sep 27th, 2008 - 12:43 PM     

So I won 'Best Electronic' at the John Lennon Songwriting Contest for my track "Phone."

I'm pretty excited a) for the recognition that 'awards' bring and b) for the fact that there is a prize package worth $5,000 of studio gear.

Thanks John! (and Yoko ;) And a big thanks to Leon Lyazidi and all of the judges of the competition. You guys made my day!



gwenyth paltrow Monday Aug 11th, 2008 - 7:37 PM     

i enjoy analyzing my dreams.. i think i'm pretty good at it. i have a feel for what my subconscious is going for, most of the time.

but last night i had a dream that seems to defy analysis.

i was on a date with a girl who i had never met before. she was attractive. for some reason, we were at Gwenyth Paltrow's house, watching tv. Gwenyth asked if she could borrow my date's bright pink pants. She said ok. As time wore on, it became increasingly obvious that my date was bored and that we probably should do something else.

i also got the impression that i had a vague body odour that she was not fond of. (ok, i can analyze that bit just fine!) and was getting the distinct impression that this was our last date anyway.

so we're puttin our shoes on and about ready to go, and she sas shes going to the bathroom, could I please get her pants back. so i asked gwenyth for her pants (which she was already wearing) and Gwenyth threw a hissy fit, screaming at ME! I tried to tell her, while standing in the doorway that my date would probably not be able to get the pants back from her later, as i didnt think she would be interested in having another date with ME and by extension, she would not likely hang out at gwenyth's to watch tv again.

in response to this, gwenyth screamed some more (something about me being oblivious to her love) and she slamed the door in my face.

Maybe I've just been listning to too much Coldplay (definetly possible) and I simply long for some Gwenyth Paltrow melodrama to play out in my own personal life. but.. its the PANTS... the hot pink pants... I dont get those?



same old Tuesday May 6th, 2008 - 8:10 PM     

just a little update. been busy with the house, building, wiring, etc...

some images: Destruction , Rebuild , Insulation + Wiring

Also working on a timelapse image of the house since winter. I wish I had thought of it before hand (when the destruction first started) but oh well... I wanted to capture the melting of the immense amount of snow that we collected this year. ... stay tuned for that.



armed to the teets Saturday Mar 8th, 2008 - 7:29 PM     

i've decided on 'the war on peace' as the title for my next disc. finalizing some more tracks... some day... SOME DAY!

check out the new tracks 'dig' and 'pile.' the latter features vocal work by yours truly.

im going to make some dinner.




new tracks Saturday Jan 26th, 2008 - 10:20 AM     

check out '1986' the dnb tune about being awesome in the mid eighties.

also check out the remix of an fbev track 'on home' featuring backup vocals and some epiano by yours truly.



virgin mobile Saturday Dec 29th, 2007 - 12:22 PM     

Apparently I have reached the limit of how many times I can top up my mobile phone account this month. I tried to top up last night because my phone died and the very nice automated lady voice came on and said "your current account balance is empty" (or somethign to this effect)

So I went online and tried to top up, but it said I had reached the limit, and I instructed me to call their service number. While I knew the account was empty, I still attempted to dial the number out of a futile hope that it would magically allow me to AT LEAST contact their billing department. It did not.

I need to top up my account to make a call, but i cant make that call because the account is already empty.

So, virgin mobile, have you not read or seen 'Catch 22'?



great scott! Saturday Dec 15th, 2007 - 3:15 PM     

so its been a few months in the new house... lots of work accomplished. Its starting to feel like my own home now. still much to do...

new CD is starting to come together and I'm getting some exposure out in the real world.

'Inexplicable' was picked 'Best Electronic' track at the first Ontario Independant Music Awards and I got some radio play on CBC. Happy about that.

'Clip' has been selected as a track for an upcoming game by The Easy Company, entitled MotorM4X. Its an offroading game that looks pretty sweet.

'Logo' has been selected for publication on a house compilation called Animal House, by a label in Ireland called Urban Angel Music. Excited to hear that!

'Field' has been selected for publication on an upcoming Buzz compilation disc of chillout tunes. Not sure when this will be released.

So the word is getting out there... I'm glad to be writing music that people are enjoying!




the art of whining Sunday Sep 30th, 2007 - 6:21 PM     

no one really WANTS to talk about their struggles. I find that people just want to whine about them.

an actual conversation about your struggles, sickness, the general situation of adversity that you find yourself in, could all be solved if you had a truthful conversation with someone about them.

I feel like I whine just to keep pace. I dont WANT to whine, because what problem was ever made better by whining about it? But I do whine.. i dont deny it. Its just usually for lack of having someone to actually have a conversation with.

a real heavy conversation.

a heavy conversation about God.

because who's really willing to have one?



new house Friday Sep 14th, 2007 - 2:12 PM     

bought a new place. moving tomorrow... at least thats the plan. the lawyers haven't given me the keys to the place yet, and I'm a bit worried. i gave them the biggest cheque i've ever given anyone... i expect some damn keys!

i will wait patiently for another hour. and if no one calls me by then, i'm going to explode into a frenzy of swear words and breakfast sandwiches the likes of which the world has never seen.

i'm a bit annoyed at how everyone keeps asking me if im excited. i cant really tell. and i don't really care to examine my feelings enough to find out. im mostly focused on the fact that my bank account, which had increased in size to the amount that i now refer to as "holy fuck i can not believe how much money i've saved", has now been reduced to the level of "what the fuck happened to that glorious time when I actually COULD afford things?"

I totally over exaggerate my woes about that but if i was completely well adjusted and at peace with everything in my life, i'd be boring.

now instead of being boring i can just be miffed.



an open letter to the douchebag who threw pepsi at my car Tuesday Aug 14th, 2007 - 4:31 PM     

I came out of Mr. Sub only to find my poor little VW covered in sticky brown pepsi, and a large cup from KFC sitting on the ground.

While I'd like to think this was an attack launched by KFC because I was patronizing Mr. Sub instead of their establishment, I am forced to believe otherwise. I'm forced to believe that sticky brown goo was tossed at my baby by some dickless degenerate fuckmobile who has nothing better to do with his time than waste the time of others, and attack personal property. I'm forced to believe that society can go to hell for the fact that in a crowded parking lot, no one saw or did anything. I'm forced to beleive that I can NEVER leave my sunroof cracked ever again.

I know its a mild indescretion, as far as indescretions go, but its not so much the damage done as it is the INTENT. the MESSAGE. the SUB TEXT of throwing pepsi on someones car.... "I dont like you?" "I dont like your car?" "I have a problem with air cooled engines, I represent a radiator coolant consortium and I demand that you cool your car with LIQUIDS GOD DAMN IT!"

Is this Karma? Have I thown cups of pepsi at other cars? I'm sure I've done much worse, and perhaps even DESERVE it, but that doesnt change my God given right to bitch and moan about it online.

I guess all I can hope for is that when the perps grow up and spend their hard earned money on some plastic rice rocket, a self-hating little douchebag will show them the way. ... the way to the car wash. And by then, it'll be TWELVE bucks for a wash instead of THREE. so take THAT you car hating trash.



summer? Saturday Jun 2nd, 2007 - 4:32 PM     

so.. its house hunting time. i've been house hunting for like a year now, really... so its about time I make a deciscion. shit or get off the pot, i guess.

the decision being, do i stay in town and get a house, or hit the road and find an adventure and some std's....

tough choice.

so i released this really sad tune i've been writing while drunk, and I'm not sure what I think about it. I kinda wanted to just keep it to myself and have my own little track that I wrote for my own enjoyment, but I went ahead and uploaded it anyway... i guess to proove that im not just a bigbeat robot. im not sure if im done with the vocals yet (i'd like to record the second section with some new lyrics.. but..)



er.. CHEERS.



iambic pentameter? Thursday Apr 26th, 2007 - 4:37 PM     

vehement choda insults flung with cannon and trebuchet

robots with tentacles search the depths of rangoon

for a long hour, the tshirt fits tightly

steak and martinis begin whincing at the thought of your flesh in the star light

but there is no escape. tarantulas eviscerate your intestines. infinite fangs.

small asians scurry for safety from my gigantic head.

i should have been born with horns.

anthrax my candy ass back to the stoneage

lets open the floodgates and fullspeed ahead

torpedo into the whore because she likes it, and damn karma to hell

eat from the cake of thursday because your friday will never come

twofold the prophecies that were foretold. but one of them shall never be known.

two suns or none, what effect has this on my erection?

what else to love?

i dont want that.



musicians block? Monday Apr 9th, 2007 - 3:50 PM     

[16:59] i hereby declare music over.




[16:59] LETS GO.





sonicbids rapes again Saturday Apr 7th, 2007 - 9:48 AM     

as if my previous blog wasnt enough... im sure this new issue is just the karma for me being all negative about their service...

they automatically billed me for another 6 months of "service" .... no warnings to say that it would happen.. no warnings to say that i was even signed up on some automatic renewal plan... on top of that, wheni log in, theres no option to DISABLE IT. there are only options to change the type of account to yearly or monthly. nothing says "dont automatically renew" ....

bitterness would be an understatement.

all this, and i havent even put my PANTS ON YET.

perhaps my day will go better when i DO put on some pants.

i have high hopes.



sonicbids? colonic fibs! Saturday Mar 31st, 2007 - 1:17 PM     

yes. colonic fibs. they lie from their asses. if you're an artist, i suggest you check out their site but by all means TRACK HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE VIEW YOUR PROFILE.

I submitted about half a dozen bids in the past few months and my profile had been looked at a total of ONE FUCKING TIME. ONCE. ONCE!

The fact that I actually took the time to look at my profile and see how it appeared ACCOUNTS FOR THAT ONE VIEWING. So nowhere in the span of the last three months has my profile even been VIEWED by the people who I've paid money to submit my work to, let alone havet hem actually hear my music.

ass lies! ASS LIES! To say I'm a bit bitter about it is an understatement. I thought, when I first found the site, "wow, what a great idea. this is exactly what i need!" ... and its true.. i do need a website where I can connect with people who actually WANT my music and have them LISTEN to my music. Unfortunately for my visa card, and for me, sonicbids didnt turn out to be that site.

Now lets be honest... I am a little bitter that I havent gotten any gigs or record deals out of having this site 'work for me' but thats not why I'm complaining. I'm COMPLAINING because no one has bothered to LOOK at what I have to offer before passing on my music.

A side rant, the winner of the electronic/dance genre for the "International Songwriting Competition" was completely TRASH. It was SHITE. Second and third place were well made, interesting pieces of work. I really enjoyed them. But the first place "winner" was such utter shit that I had to wonder what the fuck was going on. Was my submission even reviewed? I could easily admit that #2 and #3 were better than my entry, and deserved to win over me. Shit, DONT give me an honourable mention, thats fine, given the high quality of work that seems to be submitted to this competition... but PLEASE.. for the LOVE OF CEREAL... do NOT tell me that my submission wasnt even reviewed, and that the first place 'winner' is some boring house music that belongs in someones basement, on their amiga, in the early nineties.

get bent!

so the long and short of it.... check out sonic bids.. but if you have the hopes and dreams of being a rockstar, make sure you track the usage of you rpage because after a few 'bids' are placed, you should see at least a few views on your profile.. it just seems logical that people would check out your page if you give them money to DO EXPLICITLY THAT.

i'm not saying dont trust people, or people on the internet... im saying dont trust sonicbids.




rock the crazy goodness Saturday Mar 10th, 2007 - 2:24 PM     

smack ups, smack downs, increased fibre intake, decreased caloric intake.

I fit in size 50 pants! To most of you, thats probably disturbingly large, but its like 6 sizes down from where I was a few months ago. A few more sizes and I'll be able to buy clothes at pretty much any normal store.

chicks dig it.

chicks also dig crazy beats and bass, so check out my latest few tracks that ROCK THE CRAZY GOODNESS.

My spam filter appears to be working fairly well... only the odd one that gets through now, and its usually because the spammers fucked up and their program isnt working right anyway. I want a list where I can just sign up to not get spam any more (do not email list?) because really its in the best interest of the spammers to stop wasting their own bandwidth emailing me, since I'm not ever going to buy their products or invest in their stocks. I have always wondered what it'd be like to ejaculate 500 times more volume than I currently am, but lets be honest, I'm not THAT curious. Not curious enough to start popping pills to find out. If I shot that much semen out, I'd be worried. I'd be worried to STOP once my boys learned how to produce that much ejaculate every day. Something could rupture if I didnt alliviate the pressure every twelve minutes.

... that was a tangent.

I got a new watch also (to match my new tiny pants) and it was shiny and new for a whole day before I scratched it up. Its also one of those wristbands that is elasticised so it grabs your arm hair whenever you move your wrist.... not good for someone who types for a living. woe.

CD sales are pretty lacklustre lately. shit... they're non-existant. I'm pretty depressed about that, but not really depressed enough to DO anything about it. (what would i do anyway? advertise? pfft) so if you've contemplated buying a cd, do it already! its only ten bucks canadian (thats like four cents american) and includes shipping. its well worth the price.



'something' now available! Thursday Dec 7th, 2006 - 4:55 PM     

Well the CD's been made, minor fuckups along the way (all my fault, probably) but nonetheless, ITS FINISHED.

10$ CAD includes shipping and handling.

I'm very excited.

I'll be sending one to SomaFM very soon, because you lovely SomaFM listeners are my biggest (only?) fans, and I want ye all to love me.

Sending me ten dollars each would really express that love in a tangible way, though. So... feel free to do that!



say what? Saturday Nov 11th, 2006 - 3:34 PM     

330 downloads? what?





something Thursday Nov 9th, 2006 - 8:13 PM     

just a quick update...

i've edited one track to avoid any intellectual property rights issues with my CD, but its been sent off and manufacturing hath begun!

i hope to have a pile of finished product in my room within a few weeks. (im going to build a crazy fort with all the boxes!)

and in other news, aparently a torrent is circulating of homesick and at last count 41 people had downloaded it... which is awesome considering there are probably only 41 people who are even aware of my existance in the first place.




new site Friday Nov 3rd, 2006 - 7:29 PM     

just changing things up a bit, in preparation for the new CD. if anything looks broken... it probably is! (so tell me !!)



spammers Wednesday Nov 1st, 2006 - 3:40 PM     

the constant spamming of my comments box is kinda funny. its to be expected, and it doesnt bother me all that much.

it is actually very reassuring to note that if robots scour the web to find places to spam... they've found my site... and they thought it good enough to spam.

so, thanks for the reassurance guys.

for the record, i dont censor the comments, and you'll find a few references to me 'sucking' or 'blowing' which i leave up because i think people are entitled to their opinions.

the spam though... i remove it, because it takes up so much space and isnt a personal thing.

so dont go and make accusations that im filtering out all the negative stuff that people COULD say about me, just cause i filter the nonsensical stuff that they say.

on an unrelated note, i have herniated myself and require an operation. i dont like the idea of someone having a knife that close to my sack, but... you gotta do what you gotta do.

i wonder if they'll let me video tape the operation? i've always wondered what my groin looked like on the inside (and i know you have also!)



thanks for all the fish Thursday Oct 26th, 2006 - 12:51 PM     

lots of positive feedback lately!

and finally, the new CD is ready to be duped! I'm getting prices for various things this week, and hopefully by next week the process will be underway. this time around I dont think I'll be doing complete jewel cases and shirnk wrap (for financial reasons) but I will be getting a lot more CD's made which means I can give a lot more away for free.

that said, i hope no one minds that they'll probably get some sort of board container for the CD rather than a bulky plastic jewel case.

this will help me with shipping costs also, which means lower prices for evvvveryone!

stay tuned....



etc... Thursday Oct 12th, 2006 - 7:00 PM     

i was typing '2006' today and i accidentally wrote 'w00t' instead, because this keyboard it so small and the lighting so poor.




new tracks Tuesday Oct 3rd, 2006 - 5:31 PM     

i posted a few new tracks.

for anyone who's really bored, you can always access my complete mp3 directory by going directly to

on the front page, theres just the music i make icons for (for ease of use) but theres usually quite a few more mp3's just sitting in the directory. a lot of it is unfinished or work in progress stuff, so if the track seems to end abruptly then its probably just not done.

i've been walking around a lot lately. eating sandwiches. going to dating sites. what a joke.

"but what is life if not a joke?"

enjoy the tracks!



change of plan Sunday Sep 10th, 2006 - 11:35 PM     

by west, i meant east. of course.

its all on the intenet now-a-days. talk to the bagel guy.

latah pimp!



lets see what happens Friday Jul 21st, 2006 - 12:30 AM     

I'm going out west. See ya.

Releases may stop for a while. I'll bring my laptop with me but I'm not sure how much music I'll be writing.

More, some other day.



and then the wheel fell off Thursday May 4th, 2006 - 5:32 PM     

so I drove for a half hour today, only to find that the one store that carries clothing large enough for me had stopped stocking those sizes.

not wanting to waste the trip, I turned to the only other thing that Barrie Ontario is good for... tacos.

thats when I discovered that Taco Bell was closed. There was, however, a very helpful sign that said "sorry, we're closed. we will be open next door wednesday"

as my day was turning out, I thought this meant that I wasnt going to get a taco, but I looked next door and there it was.... another Taco Bell, beside the original Taco Bell.

"Great," I thought, "twice as many tacos!"


only one taco bell was open. :(

So.. with taco's in hand I headed back home.

And thats when the story gets good.

I got my license plate switched from my van to my beetle, so I could legally drive the cute little bastard around. Only five minutes after getting the plate sticker, THE GOD DAMNED WHEELS STARTED FALLING OFF THE CAR.

The afternoon was dry and warm.. a mild breeze... dusty... Out of nowhere a aquamarine 1974 volkswagen beetle careers off the road in a hail of dust, dirt, sparks, nuts, bolts, hubcaps, and hopes and dreams.

While the car grinds along the ashphalt at about 50km/hr, the frantic driver wails on the streering wheel so the little blue death machine doesnt flatten itself into oncomming traffic.

Like a giant comet made of a smartie, the vehicle comes to a halt on the side of the road. Amidst clouds of dust, grime, quality german enegeered suspension parts, a hail of maniacal laughter and swear words eminate from the core of the silent death trap.

The driver exits the vehicle and laughs while pointing at the wheel that has now wrapped itself under the deformed front fender.

An old lady approachs the scene holding a lug nut, with a distinct "wtf" expression that people can only make when they'e just seen something bizzaro.

And on the inside, I died a little.

I own a lot of things.. and they're all starting to own me. MUST ESCAPE!


And as I try to post this blog, the internet died, so I had to paste it in notepad.



i still had three wheels out of four.. "like.. COME ON! thats 75% of wheels i still have, why is this thing grinding along the road?!"



oh and... Tuesday Mar 14th, 2006 - 3:51 PM     

i beat the cheese thing. on day 5 i fucked up and had a tostito with some cheesey dip (it was a monday morning, i was blindsided.. didnt even see the cheese coming) so I had to restart.

and i made it.

now taking reccomendations for new 10-day abstination experiments.



wheres my damn microKorg Tuesday Mar 14th, 2006 - 3:49 PM     

so I ordered a microKorg and its not here yet.. I kinda thought it would be cause its supposed to ship from like an hour away, so what gives? ... looking forward to jamming with the onboard vocoder. im so fucking cool.

Whut the hell, Pendulum. Get your damn records shipped out. Your record company sucks or something, its just been a pain trying to order your shit from anywhere cause its all "backordered" wtf are you doing? you make some amazing drum and bass and i want to listen to it, but you decide just not to release shit or WHAT? c'MON!

so now the biggie... to buy the rims or not to buy the rims. they're expensive. and its not like I'm a car guy and i'm going to trick out my ride. but they're nice fucking rims and i want to look cool. so... I think I should. I need to up my visa limit though and thats a bit.. yeah..

cause who knows what else i'll buy once i up the limit.

my mom is a bit worried because I was doing electrolysis experiments in my room.. she came home the other day to find me sitting in front of a beaker and wires..

"what are you doing?"


*slight gasp*

hahaah. poor mom. and the next day...

"why are your eyes so puffy?"


vocoder + rims + dnb vinyl + weed + mad science = im way fucking cooler than i look. i'm the apitomy of bignicism. you cant beat me.

i'd like to finish this blog by awarding myself the bloggy mcblog award for tackling multiple blog topics within one blog ALL WHILE FAILING TO USE ANY SEGUE'S AT ALL.



the cheese sabbatical Thursday Feb 16th, 2006 - 3:52 PM     

today begins the first day of a ten day fasting of the cheese, by yours truly.

in almost a celebration of the wildly successful "ten days of no wanking off", i've decided to better myself some more by forgoing the cheese for ten whole days.

to most of you, this may seem a silly idea... hardly worth a rant. but you must understand that cheese is the only thing that i deem worthy of eating. i dont eat other foods because they taste good, i eat other foods because they are vehicles for cheese.

my name is bignic... and i... am a cheese addict.

Damn you havarti and your lustful crunchy ways.

FIE on the cheddars who lure me out of bed for a nice slice along with whatever other mush is being served for supper.

A POX on the cream cheese which lines the bottom of my nacho dip, and gently caresses the top of my morning bagels.

Gouda... you RANCID CUNT. I LOVE YOU. you tempt me with little trails of finely wrapped wax cylinders of cultured love. Like my own little babybell children, i peel back the waxy overlay and devour your delictible innards with the joy of a rampaging viking, high on crystal meth, set free on a football field full of school children.

mozzarella, you vile whore of babylon... I cannot even speak of the ways in which i love you. needless to say... they are many.. and they are disturbing.

cheese, i shall miss thee.

hello tofu, my new friend.

please dont give me diarreah.



echelon, bright, fade, santiago Saturday Jan 7th, 2006 - 11:23 PM     

just stick with me... hehe.. i think some of you may notice a decided preceptual change in my music, most of you.. probably just dont care.

anyway, for those of you who have noticed, your feedback would be appreciated.. my ego needs to know where I'm going with this stuff...



jesus saves! Saturday Dec 24th, 2005 - 11:38 PM     

been a productive couple of days...

discovered this saturated crunchy frequency when i distorted and chorused and pitch shifted this bassline that my brother played and we recorded on a vocal mic

got mixed reviews on it.. people say its interfering with the hats, but i think they're fucking high (or maybe not high enough?)

anyway -- i like it (... thats "Ner")

it sounds like a piece of paper being torn right in front of your face.

"echelon" and "prison" were kinda thrown together but also appear to have a pretty "thick" mix to them.. im happy with them even though they arent finished.

tomorrow is christmas day. time to get all fucked up :)



the clash? Friday Dec 9th, 2005 - 6:32 PM     

man. i was diggin though my cd\'s and this one case falls open and theres a condom inside it. it was my ex-gf\'s Clash CD. now i feel wierd.

what would that mean if you had dreamed it?



crisis, what crisis? Saturday Dec 3rd, 2005 - 4:22 PM     

i haven't uploaded stuff in a while... mostly because I haven't finished stuff in a while.

so i decided to upload some unfinished stuff to keep things fresh.

thanks to all you SomaFM listeners who are supporting me and the gaybo sound!

GAYBO IS THE ONLY GENRE THAT REALLY MATTERS. And the secret to that is the fact that gaybo music stands for nothing. It has all the earmarks of music that was created by a musician, but its NOT MUSIC. its GAYBO. So inasmuch as it is NOT music, it is the ONLY music that MATTERs.

... when *you* establish routine paradox resolution in *your* life... *then* tell me that doesn't make sense. before then, THE POWER OF GAYBO COMPELLS YOU.

(and to clerify, gaybo music has as much to do with homosexuality as does the sky... some people could say it looks/sounds 'gay' but they'd only be half right.. its gayBO. GAYBO.)



truth Monday Nov 28th, 2005 - 11:45 AM     

the truth is that there is no opposition to truth. the truth IS. this is what happens when you shorten your sentances on teh fly because you realise that commenting on anythign is superfluous. you start to say a sentance, but just cut it short, and then even though its not fully true... its more truthful than the full sentance would have been?

"the truth is that there is no opposition to truth" versus "the truth is" ... you can see.. yes?

both are true. (shrugs)

The idea that perceptions can be manipulated by expectations is fundamental to the study of cognition" - Michael I. Posner (professor of neuroscience at the University of Oregon)

Just DECIDING to enjoy an outcome before something happens can actually change the outcome.

You dont have to *do* anything differently, just the act of having that silent decision has the power to change everything.

Kids play time is like them being God. they manipulate people and make them do ordinary tasks. "play house" .. "fight" they CREATE.. they build. they destroy.

they dont have great short term memory. they're just "learning" how to have a short term memory. little Gods.



trains and sewing machines Saturday Oct 8th, 2005 - 9:33 PM     

things are well. job renewed until end of janurary. finally enjoying some art form again (photoshop fun). no new music. brother moved home and broke up with girlfriend. i want to buy a house but they're all overpriced. girls like my beetle, and my hats, and my shirts but not me. combat depression with drugs - i said i'd never do that but hey? found god. lost god. found god. lost god. found god. god said "are you fucking serious? stay on the path!"


lost god.



success! Wednesday Sep 21st, 2005 - 10:37 AM     

So there was a baseball tournament at work (in fact, as I write this, its still going on, and we've yet to play our second game) and I've been nervous and apprehensive about playing. I havent played baseball since I was about 12 years old.

I've sucked at work sponsered volley ball. I've sucked at work sponsered curling. And it wouldnt be a stretch to imagine I would suck at baseball. But so far, I'm delighted to say I'm doing well.

I took a tumble while trying to catch a fly ball, but I also hit a grand slam (some guy in the audience called it too, it was funny) We won the game 5-4 so its hard keeping my pride from overflowing out the tips of my fingers and eyes and penis. 4 of those runs were knocked in by me!

My God, for ONCE I dont suck at a physical activity! Of course now I'm hurt, AND I have a reputation as a heavy hitter.. AND the next game is going to be played against a better team. We stand a chance, but I'm sure I'll be overconfident and wreck it all.

Nothing can save my back from weeks of torture now, I can feel it creeping up. Just gota stay loose until the next game and give it my best.

I just thought I would write this now while I'm still in a positive frame of mind. I want to spew positivity into the world from now on. Positivity and sperms.

Wish me luck.

(btw, I'm aware that my blogs are being particularly bloggy lately... and I swore to myself that I'd only write interesting stuff that you wouldnt find elsewhere reading a billion and one other bornig blogs about hats and fungus and vaginal warts... but today I just wanted to delight in being normal. being prideful. having SOMEthing to say I did well. And in some small way, make my Dad proud, and patch up all the lame performances I've ever made in phyisical sport in the past. I feel I've succeeded - even if we lose the next game badly )



failure Saturday Sep 10th, 2005 - 2:17 PM     

Well I'll just state right away that I didn't make the full 24 hours of silence. I crashed and burned at 10 PM :(

I woke up bright an early and read some books (finished Miss Wyoming and started Shampoo Planet) and went for a decent walk. I took a left where I usually take a right (how poetic?) and I ended up crossing like nine hundred old rail bridges (some of which were condemed) and had a really good time discovering that this shit was basicly in my back yard for all these years.

The new end of the subdivision is totally wrecking the trail, but thats the price of progress. I wouldn't mind a nice castle out there.

Anyway, I was really getting into the silence thing until I realised that the end of the trail came out on the edge of town.. I could hear the streets n people getting louder as I approached the end, but it was lke 5km back, or maybe 1km to just progress through the edge of town and make it back home. I skulked past the street into another trail (which I had already known, but I had no clue the first trail would let me out here) and tried not to think about whether (<- eh eh? spelled correctly?) or not 'experiencing civilization' was a breach of my experiment or not.

Since its not a religiously imposed thing and I didnt really have a goal at the outset, I dont think just being in society really harmed anything, but I couldnt shake the feeling that I had ruined some sort of tranquility that I'd never found before. I think just the idea of saying to ones self that you're GOING TO BE TRANQUIL might have enough impact for one to wake up and realise "wow, I can actually BE more tranquil all the time"

I didnt even realise how calm I was until the end of that first trail and how the light and noise kinda made me recoil. In hindsight, I should have just walked back through the trail (over all the scary bridges hah)

And so was my morning. In the afternoon and evening, I read some more of Shampoo Planet and Squee. And my mother tried to ruin it all by talking to me. I just glared at her. She thinks I'm trying to make myself insane (am i?)

I had a nice peaceful campfire in the evening and then sat to meditate. Around ten, I got up and wandered around in search of food. Without the slightest comprehension of what I was doing all day, I asked my mom if i could scam some potato chips from her. "Oh, are you speaking now?" "what? No. WHAT.......... FUCK!"

Personally I think she did that on purpose. How often does she leave chips out? She knows I'll want chips. Damned and blast.

She's only making it worse for herself though. I fully intend to do this again. Maybe I could make it a weekly thing. Sunday's are so fucking useless, I might as well not speak, right?

Also, ever more positive feedback on fatmosphere. Glad you people like it. I'll have to send some out to SomaFM and the usual suspects so I can get some buzz going hahaha. Or not... I've been anti-marketing for this CD for a long time and I dunno what to do.. I'm just giving them away left and right. maybe thats why people like them. its free?




its the carpal tunnel show! Thursday Sep 8th, 2005 - 9:26 PM     

so I'm really trying hard to recapture any keyboarding talent i've had in the past, but I think its lost forever. I guess I offered it up to the carpal tunnel Gods, and they've taken it as a ritual sacrifice.

what can you do?

I got the Undeclared and Freaks and Geeks DVD sets, and I think you should to. Poor Judd Apatow has had a hard run at things. I'd like to give him a hug. A straight guy hug. None of that ass touching. Unless he wanted to.

now I feel bad. My mother could be spending a lot more time praying for other people and things... but with all the sinning I'm doing I must be wasting like an hour of her life every week. Sorry Mom!

Tomorrow I'm going to try a 24 hour silence. I'm told I'm not supposed to read or anything, which I think its utter bullshit. Why the fuck can't I read? Its not like a religiously imposed silence, its self imposed and I can read if i want, ok?

So no one call me, or anything. The phone will be disconnected. My computer will be off. If I don't go insane, I'll let you all know how it went.



fatmosphere Sunday Aug 7th, 2005 - 11:17 AM     

So it's finally mixed and ready to go.

It's only taken me a year and a half longer than I thought. Only two tracks remain that were in the original plan - I think thats a good thing.

I was pretty happy with the mix and how easily it finally came together. I didnt really have to push myself to do it - it just seemed like it was time. Hopefully its well liked.

Anyway, the universe can't let me feel content with my own music for more than about eight minutes. As soon as I felt happy with the mix and the graphics and everything falling into place, someone sent me a tune by Imogen Heap and I've fallen absolutely in love with her.

the melody, her voice, the mix, the beats.. everything about this song was so top notch and creative that my body was vapourized and I became a floating, pulsating, gooey brain with ears hanging off of it for the duration of the song. I could not move, I could not breath, I could not imagine ever being able to call myself a musician again.

Her song (The Walk?) slapped me around like I was a pervert who'd been caught skulking in the ceiling tiles of a lingerie store's change rooms by twelve million raging femenists with spiked bats and an intense desire to proove something. I don't know if Imogen is a raging femenist or if she knows eleven million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety nine other femeninsts with bats... but for that brief moment in time I dreamed that she was... and I liked it.

This song has made me its bitch. I will get this song coffee in the morning, and I will rub its feet. I will ask it how its day went and I will let it do things to me that you've only seen done in the back of dark and seedy truckstops.




last post deleted by administrator Sunday Jul 17th, 2005 - 1:46 PM     

what it all comes down to is, "fuck off".

i've just written this blog three times and deleted all of it because it sounded like i was feeling sorry for myself. I was, of course, feeling sorry for myself. i just didnt want it to come across that way.

i wrote a few pretty logical rants about things and people and waking up dead and how agenda's are useless. but they arent. i just dont have em so I call other people stupid for having them.

everything i do is just a reaction to something. like an ant. im so agenda free that im controlled by the whims of others and the only thing I do that is purely mine is to REACT to situations that I could have changed if i just had an opinion before hand.

constants in my life: things change. i fuck up. people die (not as a result of me fucking up, but when you're 12, it seems that way) trying to make things better usually just makes them more painful.

now the trick is to live my life KNOWING these things, but only allowing this knowledge to interfere when its going to be helpful.

people die - its going to happen. i can do nothing about this.

i fuck up - its going to happen. i can do things about this.

things change - its going to happen, can I do anything about this? do I want to? *should* I? and who determines if i should? and why do they have the power?




rest in peace Thursday Jul 7th, 2005 - 10:00 PM     

most of you probably dont know (re: dont care) but I have tinitus, which is a constant ringing in the ears. its enough to drive one insane.

anyway, sleep is very difficult to achieve because of this constant ringing. since the age of about 13 I've used this 20 inch fan to basicly create white noise so that the ringing was inaudible when i was trying to sleep.

it has been in, more or less constant, use for the past ten years (I rarely turn it off, and never sleep with it off) and it's served me very well. I'm saddend to say that today, it died.

yes, its an inanimate object, but its been with me wherever i lived for the past *ten years*. it was a good friend. it will be missed. i've already bought a replacement, but the box promises "quiet operation" which is exactly what I don't want.

I want the constant reassuring hum of my big green beast. I want the reliability and sense of security that i recieved from its soft vibrations that resonated throughout the walls and furniture of my room. i want to know that when i come home, theres a little noisy machine there who delights in making me comfortable.

... or I suppose I could just get friends.



well thanks Sunday Jun 26th, 2005 - 9:50 PM     

thanks to douglas coupland, i finally know whats wrong with me. its called the yuppie flu. meaning absolutly nothing is wrong with me, i just have no fucking life.

i've got my sixteen week termination notice. and I shouldnt complain, cause thats a *lot* of notice that you're being let go. plus they say a permanent job will be available at that time anyway. so i have no real reason to worry. but i do anyway.

because heaven forbid anything interrupt my perfectly boring life like unemployment, or nuclear catastrophe.

can't write music any more. stuck in nostalgia mode, and I keep listening to my old tracks. either i find them to be laughably crap, or really full of promise. either way, they cause more of an emotional response than anything else i've written lately.

im still reeling from this BMI thing. its so pathetic and sad that its hilarious. who could *be* this unhealthy, and yet still walk upright, under their own power.

after making that little image, and posting it, i decided just to go for a walk and a jog. last week I hit my all time personal best distance for jogging, and yet today, with all the depression and anger i could muster, I could barely do half that distance.

i may have had an epiphany but i'll wait and see if anything becomes manifest from my new discovery. if my past experience has taught me anything, its that the explosions of awareness and logic never yeild any long term results. i just think about them over and over until the neurons that connected the groundbreaking thoughts to reality just get worn away, and the idea i had... the idea that was going to change my life, its just irretrievably lost.

so i marinate in my own psychological filth and write about my yuppie flu in the hopes that one iota of sympathy from a random reader will give reason to my (not so important and very minor in comparison to the other 6 billion humans on the earth) sufferings.

i cant even feel *sorry* for myself without ruining it by taking into account *your* feelings as a reader. like i wouldnt want to waste your time or anything...

well fuck you.

i'd rather be attractive and poor. absolutely *no one* likes the ugly *or* the rich.



body mass index Sunday Jun 26th, 2005 - 4:25 PM     




sleep lab Sunday Jun 5th, 2005 - 12:02 AM     

I went for a sleep lab last night to test for sleep apnea. I snore a lot and I'm told I could get a better night's sleep if I didn't snore so much.

So anyway, they hooked up a bunch of electrodes to my head and I started to wonder...

Would they be able to tell if I was whacking off?



im not a musician Saturday Apr 9th, 2005 - 4:41 PM     

i don't actually know how to read sheet music so i've decided to stop being a loser about it and just learn. i have three fullsized keyboards in my home... why haven't i just learned how to use them through some sort of absorbtion directly into my brain?

its harder than i thought it would be, but these coldplay sheet music books are keeping it fun. i dont think they're particularly hard to learn, i just have major issues with the way sheet music is laid out. its the programmer in me shouting 'theres got to be a better way!' - of course there is. but maybe theres somethign to be said for doing it the way people have been for centuries.

maybe it builds character or something. i could use character. or mustard. something. im too soy based, personality wise.

physically more .. beefy though. its a shame that pungent odour doesnt accentuate intelligence or talent.



sunday you useless fucking day Tuesday Jan 25th, 2005 - 8:40 PM     

So, the domain transfer could have gone a bit more smoothly, and the site seems to be a lot slower than on my old host - but what can you do.

This is the price I pay for 'progress' - ie: the ability to upload/manage shit more easily, not just for this site but for all the sites I manage (er, the two sites)

But thats what learning is. n stuff.



new site Monday Jan 17th, 2005 - 3:44 AM     

Its been a few months, I know.

After getting a lot of "where the crap is your site" email, I've decided to put it back up with a few improvements.

I was going to do it all in flash but I decided on doing it all oldschool javascripting for a few reasons. The main reason being that I dont like Flash. The secondary reasons being that at least two versions of this site were quite unique in their use of javascripting elements and despite my undying hatred for javascript, I derive great masochistic pleasure from doing things in js that haven't really been done to any noticable extent.

The old site made use of some alpha filtering which only ever seemed to work in IE, so I'm going to make an effort to be cross browser with this new incarnation. I think maybe a dozen people in the universe will bother to appreciate any of the nuances in this site because you'll only see half of it.

The other half (the back end) is what makes this site so nice for me. I can just upload a single 70x70 icon and an mp3 file in one form, and my site generates everything. It does the drop shadow animation, alignment of buttons, linking the icons to files and popup info boxes... a lot more time and code than was really worth it, but im proud.

So unless *you* could do it, I invite you to squish my buttocks with your teeth.

That all said, having a decent audio experience is pretty much impossible with js alone, so I may end up using Flash to do a small mp3 player... but that is yet to be determined.